i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
