come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
