Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
