she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
