New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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