i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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