Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
