Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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