this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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