remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
