What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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