Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
