Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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