If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
