Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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