The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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