guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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