Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So squirting runs in the family.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
