so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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