I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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