the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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