Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
