you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
