i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
