I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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