Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
