i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It was confusing and full of hummus
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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