Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
