this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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