I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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