I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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