College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
