did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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