You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
