You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
