she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
