im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
it glows. i had to have it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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