I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
