Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
