fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
