Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
