I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
