Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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