Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
