sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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