so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
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I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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