He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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