When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
zippers are such a cool invention
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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