I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
