if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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