Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
