Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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