Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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