So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
