I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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